I have ever been one to over think things, but even I have been shocked (and often amused) at some of the crazy Song of Ice & Fire theories that have popped up on tumblrs, blogs, message boards, what have you. Sure, some of these theories actually have decent (or at least halfway decent) reasoning behind them…but somehow that makes them even more amusing to me.
So I’ve decided to write about some of the theories I’ve found, and give my thoughts on them..because, you know, what else do I have to do with my time (besides work two jobs and organize an ASOIAF convention and take care of six pets and one husband, etc. etc. etc…)?
NOTE: This is clearly supposed to be tongue-in-cheek, people.
I begin with a tale of two kitties…
First things first, did you know that there is actually a documented ASOIAF theory called “the Kitten theory”? I’m not even going to get into the details of that, I simply wanted to throw it out there before diving into this shocker…
So Rhaenys Targaryen (Rhaegar and Elia’s daughter) had a little black kitten named Balerion. Poor Rhaenys was brutally murdered, and since her kitten was just, well, a kitten, many never gave its existence - his existence - a second thought.
In A Game of Thrones Arya is chasing a nasty old black cat around the Red Keep.
GRATUITOUS PICTURE OF MY MOSTLY-BLACK CAT, WHO ALSO HAPPENS TO BE A TOTAL ASSHOLE (YOU KNOW, FOR PROSPERITY’S SAKE. OR SOMETHING.):
Now, we know how GRRM works. Why describe the vicious black cat that Arya is chasing in such detail? Who cares if he’s old and missing an ear and an eye? Why, because that cat isn’t just any cat…it’s Princess Rhaenys’ cat Balerion, of course! (And hey, it’s possibly also Azor Ahai and/or the Prince who was Promised, if we really want to push it…)
But why stop there? In A Game of Thrones one of the Gold Cloaks, upon finding Arya chasing Balerion the Cat, tells her:
“‘That’s the real king of this castle right there … Older than sin and twice as mean. One time, the king was feasting the queen’s father, and that black bastard hopped up on the table and snatched a roast quail right out of Lord Tywin’s fingers. Robert laughed so hard he like to burst. You stay away from that one, child.’”
Must I repeat, “’That’s the real king of the castle right there…’” Now, perhaps the Gold Cloak should have said queen rather than king, but hey, Balerion is a male cat.
If you’re asking yourself what I’m getting at, don’t you worry…I’m about to explain.
The thing is, it’s very likely that this cat also isn’t just Balerion…after all, Targaryens have been known to have warging powers (the most prominent example being Bloodraven, of course). So obviously Rhaenys, who was very young and very scared, warged into her cat Balerion (without meaning to) just before she died!
I know what you’re thinking. This is insane. How could anyone believe such a theory? I’ll tell you, friends:
1) Balerion, the old as sin black cat, hates Tywin Lannister. Why else risk the wrath of that man by jumping up on the table and snatching a roast quail right from his hand?! Not only that, but in doing so Balerion humiliated Lord Tywin and caused Robert Baratheon to laugh at him. We all know how much Lord Tywin likes being laughed at…and clearly, so does Balerion. Not only that, but obviously Balerion/Rhaenys is trying to take back what is hers, which, you know, is what Targaryens [attempt] to do best.
2) Balerion the Cat once clawed Joffrey’s hand. Sure, Joffrey was a little jerk, but do we really believe that was the only reason for Balerion clawing his hand? NO. Of *course* the biggest reason was because Balerion knew that Joffrey was just another usurper, and the cat was probably hoping to give Joffrey cat scratch fever.
3) Balerion the Cat has been known to attack ravens in the rookery. This may not seem like much, I know - they’re “just birds”, right? No. Think about it. Ravens are huge. I mean, many are as big as a small cat themselves. And there isn’t just one raven in the rookery - there are many of them. So why would a cat ever brave attacking them? Because Balerion the Cat houses Rhaenys Targaryen’s spirit, and she was trying to send off messages to Targaryen supporters! Or maybe she was just trying to sent out messages tattling on Jaime and Cersei. Whatever the reasons, you can be sure he/she had them.
4) In A Dance with Dragons, Balerion the Cat pesters Tommen and his kittens. In fact, at one point Tommen mentions to Cersei and Ser Kevan that the “bad cat” was outside his window the night before. Thankfully Ser Pounce was present to hiss and chase Balerion away, but the question remains…why was Balerion outside Tommen’s window in the black of night? Why, it was OBVIOUSLY an assassination attempt! And why in seven hells would some regular old cat be trying to assassinate King Tommen? BECAUSE - again - BALERION THE CAT IS NOT JUST A CAT.
5) In regards to Tommen’s kittens, they were a gift to him from Margaery Tyrell…and they are three black kittens,to be exact! Why specify the kittens’ coloring if it wasn’t important?
Because they’re Balerion the Cat’s descendents, of course!
And three? Why three?! Who in Westeros needs three kittens, all at once?
The answer to that is no one (no, not even Tommen), and yet the reasoning behind there being three kittens is clear: not only are they Balerion the Cat’s descendents; they are the three heads of the dragon!
Of course, that’s a different story for a different time, because this entry is about Balerion and I’ve already said quite enough, just about him.
In conclusion: Vicious old black cat that Arya chases/the “bad cat” = Balerion = Rhaenys —> Ser Pounce, Lady Whiskers, and Boots.
Ser Pounce, Lady Whiskers, and Boots may have kept Tommen safe from Balerion - for now - but eventually they will be his downfall. After all, Jaime was supposed to keep the Mad King safe…and for a while, he did. But we all know what came from that.
But why should you believe any of this, you ask?
Why, because I said so.
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